I’m going through some adjustments. There’s the obvious ones, my move and the change in my medications. There’s the not-so-obvious, the changes to my mood and the self-isolating. All of these adjustments play a role in my present state of mind which is, on the whole, surprisingly upbeat.
I say surprisingly because we’re going through a difficult time as a society, physically distancing ourselves from one another due to fear. The illness that created that fear, Covid-19, is causing adjustments all on its own. It’s causing me to adjust how I manage my self-isolating. In fairness, surprisingly well.
The move’s been a major adjustment and a huge contributor of stress. It lasted months, solely because my building was under construction and occupancy dates kept shifting. This meant that my stacks of totes took up the room in my old space for far too long creating a feeling of claustrophobia. With each day I didn’t move, this feeling grew and I became increasingly despondent.
The move itself went smoothly. The movers I’d hired were efficient and friendly. They handled the big things, like all of the rubber totes in which I’d stored most of my possessions, while a friend and his car handled all the small things, like lamps and pictures. Sadly, the days after the move went quite badly.
It began with an offhand comment. To help with the costs of the move, I was given a small sum of money. Shortly after the movers had left, I was asked about this money. What I thought was a gift turned out to be a loan and I was faced with the prospect of justifying how it was spent and then repaying it back. My mood began to nosedive.
Another comment added to the speed of my collapse. My care team mentioned, out of concern, that they’d check in on me after the weekend to see how I was doing. I misunderstood. I thought they meant to check on the unpacking, not my mental state, and I went into a mad flurry of unpacking and moving furniture.
Now, remember that I was already very despondent, very depressed. That’s where the adjustment to my medications comes into play. I was titrating off one mood stabilizer, lithium, while starting a replacement, latuda. Consequently, my mood was unstable. It meant that the depression I was feeling grew deeper.
I became suicidal. There was no way I could repay that debt. There was no way I could unpack and organize my furniture over the course of the weekend. My thoughts were filled with self-recrimination, self-loathing of the vilest kind. I wasn’t deserving of this new apartment. I was a loser, with no value. In my eyes, I was better off dead.
In my anguish, I reached out to a friend. We spoke, at length. We talked of the loan and the need to set up a payment plan and we spoke of the unpacking and the likelihood that I’d misunderstood my care team’s comment. The storm was allowed to pass and rational thought grew. I made an appointment to see my nurse practitioner as soon as possible. When I did, we adjusted the latuda. My mood has since improved.
That was February and by the end of that month and into March, things were going well. The adjustment to my medications had helped me to overcome the deep depression I was experiencing. My new apartment had some wonderful advantages, more space and a spectacular view, that were helping to shift my mood. Unpacking proceeded in an orderly way. I was venturing outdoors, exploring my new community.
Then came Covid-19 and with it physical distancing and self-isolation. I’m prone to self-isolation. Just read my blog Introversion and you’ll both understand why I do it and why that’s dangerous for me. But this self-isolation is different. It’s imposed upon me. What it means is that the activities I use to manage my self-isolation, immersing myself in society while remaining alone, can’t be used. So I must make another adjustment and try new coping strategies.
In this I became inventive. Many years ago I played about with the GNU/Linux operating system. Even though circumstances forced me to abandon that OS, the urge to play with it has remained. Then when I set up my desktop computer, the hours of Windows updates had me thinking now was the time to play once again.
So I did. I looked at different flavours of GNU/Linux, different distributions, to find one that I was comfortable with. I settled on Ubuntu. I’ve since spent many hours installing and learning Ubuntu. I’ve made lots of mistakes mostly because I’m a poor typist, but the learning compels me to pay attention. And it’s proven to be a wonderful distraction from the turmoil in society. Which means it’s been a wonderful adjustment to my toolbox.
Another adjustment I’ve made to better cope with current circumstances is a deliberate choice to unplug. I’ve removed myself from the smothering news coverage. My world isn’t only Covid-19 yet that’s all the news seems to cover these days. Further, I’ve taken breaks from social media. Again, to minimize my exposure to Covid-19 over-saturation. Unplugging allows me the space to adjust to the ever-changing Covid-19 landscape on my own terms. I feel better because of this.
And that’s the lesson in this post. Circumstances always change and we are readily capable of adjustments to cope with them. Don’t sell yourself short. Just as it’s in me to adjust, it’s also in you.
Image by Arek Socha from Pixabay