I’d hoped that by now my site would be in full operation. It was, for a time, but that time dramatically ended. But there’ve been “interruptions” over these past weeks/months. My intentions remained the same but these interruptions meant my ability to fulfill those intentions didn’t. What were these interruptions? Well, the first was moving.
Interruption 1: Moving, part 1
The move was from Oshawa to Bowmanville. In early July I was given a moving date of October 1, 2019. Even though that was many months away, and since I was on my own, I began to pack. Then the moving date shifted several times (November 1, December 1, January 1, January 15, February 13), and with each shift, my willingness to pack waned. What I know now, but didn’t fully appreciate then, was that the packed totes, etcetera, left me with a claustrophobic feeling. I felt trapped and confined. I was slipping into a depression.
Interruption 2: Depression, part 1
The ongoing saga of the moving dates, and the feelings it engendered, helped to fuel a depressive episode. Adding more fuel to this was my change in medications. I was titrating off of lithium, Abilify, and Citalopram and moving to Latuda. The aim was to simplify my medication. All sorts of mood fluctuations were occurring. Predominant in these fluctuations was an imperceptible growth in depression. I didn’t see it. What I saw was a lethargy, a difficulty in doing much of anything. This difficulty, though, didn’t prevent me from enjoying a mini-vacation, the second key interruption.
Interruption 3: A Trip to Ottawa
I visited Ottawa with a friend. For the most part, the vacation was a blast. It ticked off a life (bucket) list item for my friend – a train trip. Travel to Ottawa went very smoothly and was enjoyable. While in Ottawa, laughter filled our days. The bonus for me was that I got to spend time with my son (he’s attending university there). The trip home, well that was disastrous. We got caught up on the first day of the indigenous people’s blockade of the tracks. Via Rail’s response wasn’t stellar. Our mood plummeted. We felt trapped on the train. Hours after being stopped, the train turned on the track and we went back to Ottawa for another night. It was hell. We didn’t know how we were going to get home. Fortunately, my friend’s stepbrother drove us home the next day.
Moving, part 2
Upon returning home from the mini-vacation, I was faced, once again, with my upcoming move. Now, though, I only had a week to finish packing and absolutely no motivation to do it. My depression had settled in nicely.
Somehow the packing got done. The move itself went smoothly. The movers I hired were quick and efficient. The friends that helped were a big benefit. When it was over, mere hours after it’d begun, my new apartment looked like it’d been struck by a tornado. That led, of course, to the next interruption, unpacking and organizing. Again, progress was muted due to the lingering and growing depression I was in.
Depression, part 2
I was given an incentive. I was told that I’d have a wellness check-in in a couple of days. This meant I’d have a visitor. I unpacked like a madman to be ready. Simply, I didn’t want my new home to look so dishevelled. To my dismay, that check-in never happened.
Which was unfortunate because I was edging ever more rapidly towards the abyss. The Black had grown and I was experiencing suicidal ideations. Those ideations took flight after the mad dash to unpack and I became fully suicidal. My plan was in place.
I didn’t act on it. Instead, I reached out to a friend who talked me through the crisis. Afterward, I slowed down my pace, took stock of my situation, and simplified things. I found my CALMtainer, my wellness toolbox, and put it to good use. I distracted.
Interruption 4: Choosing GNU/Linux
One such distraction was another source of interruption. I’d unpacked my desktop computer and decided that I wanted to set it up (previously, I’d primarily used my laptop). My desktop is the more powerful computer and I could set it up using my television as the monitor. That proved to be unexpectedly difficult. It took a while to find the proper resolution to display the graphics. A chance comment on a website provided the solution.
Setting up my desktop computer wasn’t as simple as it could’ve been. In mid-stream, after tiring of the slow pace of Windows updates, I decided that I wanted to use GNU/Linux as my operating system of choice. GNU/Linux, though, has its quirks. I wanted to configure the setup in a particular way. I tried various guides, confused myself, and kept breaking the operating system. However, I was obsessed and persevered. Too many reinstalls later, and after a bit of compromise on my part, GNU/Linux is now my current operating system.
This distraction helped to calm me. The problems I experienced in installing GNU/Linux kept my mind focused away from my depression. In a way, it provided a fire break. The suicidal ideations stopped. My medications stabilized and with that, so did my mood. The depression was lifted. Things proceeded smoothly. And then…
Interruption 5: I Broke Righting The Ship… Twice
Months after setting up Righting The Ship just so, it broke. I’m not really sure what happened. I opened my browser and scrolled to rightingtheship.ca to log in. My homepage was gibberish. My login screen took an eternity to load. So I thought I’d restore a backup and make everything right again. That didn’t work so I tried an older backup. It still didn’t work. A fresh install was my solution. So I exported my data, uninstalled WordPress, and reinstalled it for a fresh experience. Then I added plugins. I believe a plugin conflict broke Righting The Ship again. I couldn’t log in. So I reinstalled it again. I added different plugins. I made sure I could log in. Fearing that my data was corrupted, I extracted old blog posts from the exported data file. I saved the posts to my hard drive, my plan being to add them to my website one at a time. Any problems with the posts could be fixed on the fly.
And that’s where we are today. Each interruption would cause a small delay, but the cumulative effect of the interruptions was an inordinate delay of months. Then, when all was running okay, the site broke. I was able to recover the individual posts and they sit, all seventy of them, on my hard drive waiting to be republished. This I’ll do, slowly, over the coming weeks being sure to make frequent backups! My hope is to return to more timely blogging and to return Righting The Ship to its old smoothly running state. Please be patient.
Image by 9883074 from Pixabay