Tired

a tired Jaguar flopped over a tree branch

I’m tired. Tired to my core. As I shared in my most recent post “Obsessing“, there are a number of reasons why I’m so tired. Foremost is the quality of my sleep – it sucks – so I’ve taken steps to fix this. But equally as important are the stressors I face.

I disclosed that my parents aren’t ageing gracefully. Both experience a myriad of health issues and, as the child living closest and the oldest, it’s on me to help. I don’t mind this except the atmosphere is quite toxic. Both are quite rigid and unyielding and extremely judgemental. Their comments are cutting, demeaning and damaging. As they age, it’s only gotten worse.

I try to slough off the toxicity but some of it, inevitably, permeates. It wears me down, leaves me feeling less than.

I also disclosed that my sister and dearest friend are both chronically ill. My sister’s in denial, evading the harsh truth of her illness. I get it. It’s not the easiest fact to face. When the truth does make itself apparent, she’s deeply depressed. I get that too.

My role is to listen. And I do all of that that I can. It isn’t easy but it is necessary.

My friend is doubly troubled. Her cancer won’t give her respite. I see the pain it causes her and bemoan the truth that her specialist prescribes nothing to ease that pain. Surely there’s something that can be done?

Her mental health is precarious. She’s long been in a dark hole. I know the reasons – there are many – and I lend all the support I can. As I said earlier, it isn’t easy but it is necessary.

I visited my sister recently and the visit took a lot out of me. I visit my friend more frequently (she lives closer) and each visit wears me down. It’s so hard to remain buoyant during these visits. I see their struggles and I ache.

When I’m home, the struggles don’t end. I maintain contact with both via text. It lacks nuance and causes my thoughts to reach into dark images mostly because cues are lacking. I imagine the worst even as I try to encourage them both. It’s a difficult balance, one I wrestle to maintain. It leaves me drained.

I’m also tired because of my illness. Currently, I’m in a mixed-phase which means that I’m experiencing elements of hypomania and depression at the same time. My recent obsession is an affect of my hypomania. My inability to freely write, an affect of my depression. The hypomania includes intense concentration. The depression, feeble concentration. Hypomania offers expansive self-confidence while depression whittles it away. Bouncing between these states is exhausting.

So there you have it. I’m tired. I offer it as an explanation of why my blog lacked updates and I ask you to forgive this lapse.

I’m tired. So deeply tired.

Image by edmondlafoto from Pixabay

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